I'm so glad I said see you later, not good bye, because now I can pop in and chat with you all when time allows. Today, however, I am making time. Time is a very precious thing.
I have been riding the emotional roller coaster the past several days. Today, I had closure when the Dr rang with the news I had already suspected. The sweet little life I had conceived did not survive my bleed. Just like that.
I should begin where all good stories begin, at the start. To refresh your memory, recently, as pointed out in my Time Marches On post, I mentioned that my fertility was on its way out. As my doctor so eloquently stated on my test results- 'You are definitely drying up!' (lucky I like her as a doctor!) She later apologised if it came across too harsh at a check up-she was trying to keep it light hearted. I am learning to be thick skinned-good practice! I was then informed that I would struggle to fall pregnant at all and if hadn't happened in several months, there were some fertility options available if we wanted to go down that road.
We also discussed my age. Basically, I get the feeling certain people are questioning why would someone my age want another child? I pointed out that my husband is actually 12 years younger than me, a brilliant daddy, and was headed towards financial security with his university studies. And I also stated that I adore being a mum at this age. Seriously- I wished I was this mum 20 years ago. Every day with my sweet little girl is genuinely the biggest blessing.
May I please get on my soap box for a moment. I am aware disabilities can occur. They can occur at any age- of not just the mother to be, but once a child is born. Heaven forbid we only accept healthy babies only to have a terrible illness or accident render them disabled and needing higher care. Surely, people have more compassion and inner strength than that? I worked with disabled adults who were either that way from birth, illness and/or accidents. No one is guaranteed a perfect, functional life. It's a privilege when we do have that. For me, it's easy to accept a less than 'perfect' baby, should that occur, because a life is a life, and every life deserves a chance. And as for my age- I'm not promised tomorrow- no one is. I may die in my 60's, or I may survive to be a fiery, eccentric, fuzzy pink haired, large hipped granny with cottage cheese thighs of 90 plus years (highly likely, I say!). I plan to cram a lot of quality of life into those years. Every day counts and is precious.
Now, back to the story. As recommended by my doctor, I started charting my ovulation. I did have an anovulatory cycle a few cycles back. That means no egg came out and no normal period. Pretty normal for a peri-menopausal woman. But this month, I tested positive to ovulation. I was over the moon. 2 weeks later, my period didn't show. I tried a home pregnancy test. Negative. I went to the shops the next day and purchased a more sensitive test. Positive- the day after my periods were due! The second we had started properly trying- I fell pregnant straight away! At that point, I was thrilled to have just made it that far. Shocked and thrilled to be truthful.
I managed to see my Dr that morning, and she ordered blood tests. No news is good news. Two HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin- the hormone measured in pregnancy tests) showed great numbers that doubled in the appropriate times frame. I was starting to feel moody, having vivid dreams already, extremely fatigued and feeling a little nauseous.
Then, the cramps, dizziness and blood loss began. I went back to my Dr this week. I showed photo's (ex nurse/carer- don't look at my phone images before meals!). She wasn't concerned at all. I did bleed 3 times with my last pregnancy, and we know how that ended :) To be sure, she requested another HCG level. Two days later, I got a call I wan't expecting. I was devastated. My heart broke. The hormone level had not increased at all. That was yesterday. Yesterday was also the day I stared uni. I read a lot of pages online, but not sure how much I have retained.
Just like that- hope had been taken away. For a brief moment, I felt the surge of joy that holding new life so intimately brings. I dreamed. I imagined. I hoped.
When the Dr rang today with final test results, I accepted the news. I still feel sad when I mention it out loud, and I still tear up. I am also still testing very pregnant. The pregnancy hormones are still at a high enough level to do so for a little while yet. It doesn't make it easy. Hubby is gutted. He did an exam and handed in final assignments this week, all while this was happening. It's been a rather epic roller coaster ride for us.
Yet today, I feel at peace. There is hope! I can conceive naturally. I got to feel that joy once again. I am an incredibly privileged woman.
I will leave you with some beautiful scenery, the top three taken last week at beautiful Kingscliff creek, and the bottom two taken today.
Thank you for sharing my journey. I welcome feedback, but I ask, please keep it respectful.
Until next time, thanks for reading :)
Beautiful Cudgera Creek, Kingscliff, on a glorious winters day...
...the water is so clear...
...so grateful to live where I do.
My sweet bubby girl discovered she can in fact crawl over the log into the garden today. She wouldn't budge- she loves dirt!
This child does my soul good.
I needed a retail therapy session today. Actually, boringly practical as ever, I purchased hubby, bubby and myself thermals and the like for our chilly Tasmanian holiday next weekend.
This view on the way home was the perfect end to the day.
I have so much to look forward to, and so much to be grateful for, I can't possibly stay sad.
