My new beginning is hiding. Not dead, just dormant, buried beneath a huge amount of fertiliser, otherwise known as poo.
I find myself in a place of feeling like everything I've held on to is dying. I'm unsettled, uncomfortable: the comfort zone I thought I had isn't even soft and padded anymore.
Nothing is familiar.
No where feels safe.
No where except in the presence of my God.
If I thought the decent into menopause was lonely, weird (for me & others!), scary and frightening enough, thank you very much, this year has thrown so, so much more my way.
My pancreatitis attack in April terrified me.
Being sick while awaiting further tests was disconcerting.
Trying to push through, keep commitments and prove to others, myself, and God that I was still capable: exhausting.
Going on a 3500 k journey to rescue a depressed, confused parent so that we didn't lose him (click here for details), only to lose him in a different way: utterly heartbreaking. Especially as it's not the first time he's been an absent father. Wasn't prepared for how hard it would hit me as an adult. At all.
Dealing with a child with a mental illness: heartbreaking.
Having surgery to remove my gallbladder was actually a positive. I felt so amazing after it, even during the tender, healing phase, that I thought it signaled an end to the yuck and blah and was the start of a fantastic new season.
Even having my real estate agent, his rental property assistant and both of the owners visit the day after my hospital release for 'repair inspections' didn't bother me too much- except that I always like to make the house spotless. Thanks to hubby and my Lizzy for seeing to that.
I was even thrilled that they were not only willing to give me a new stove, but agreed to fix the fans.
Two weeks later, while awaiting repairs and wondering why they hadn't happened, I got a 'cease & desist' letter from the real estate, accusing me of illegal sub letting. Apparently, a neighbour officially complained, and they came down and 'saw it for themselves', even though I told them I had a student visiting from overseas, and introduced her.
This literally felt like a kick in the guts. It completely unsettled me and my peace vanished.
Now, my very home was under threat, all because of lies and assumptions.
What's tougher, knowing that you and your hubby don't have an income that will support moving, or being accepted as viable renters. A full time student and at home mum/ carer in this market...!
I had to explain every detail of our home life; who was visiting, when they arrived and would be leaving, who slept where, just to stop further action.
Another few weeks went by. Still no new stove or fan repairs. Contacted real estate, still unsure if I had a secure home. Stove got fixed that day. Fan repairs retracted by owner. I put them in, I fix them.
Way to treat a tenant who has faithfully paid rent 2 days in advance for most of her 13.5 years of living here, keeps the place clean, lives according to Body Corp rules and regs, and has stuffed your pockets with more than $150,000 in rent.
However...
A new season is coming.
As are lots of tears.
Tears are good. The seed may be buried, but it won't grow unless it's watered.
I want to draw away to heal. Not isolate, but retreat to refresh and renew.
I need to create. Hubby sent me this. Oh my goodness- his timing is amazing! As is Jim Carey! This clip resonated with me on so many levels...click this to view.
Creative ideas are flowing, stronger now than I've felt for years. I have to express them.
A new home will come- I won't let my dreams die. Hope has to reside somewhere or nothing lives.
I don't know what is going to grow out of the dormant seed, but I hope the new me that bursts forth is gutsy, confident, strong, determined, whole, creative, bright, soft, loyal, loving and overflowing with joy.
I want to live like this...
Fearless, leaping into a bright and colourful future!
Painting by me.
These girls deserve this kind of mum.
In the meantime, I'll paint and write my way 'til she appears.
xxx
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